While making my way to ye ole' cubicle this morning I observed:
1. Old Man McFogieguy come to a complete stop in the middle of the road to answer his cell phone. Options... answer the phone while driving (ugh), stop in the middle of the road (are you kidding me?), pull to one side of the road and turn on your hazards.
2. Miss America in her dad's F150 making rotations for 75 MPH, while applying makeup. Apparently the hour devoted to this endeavor, at home, was insufficient... I'll let you interpret that as you wish.
3. Eight people in line at the office ATM. Hmmm... I guess we got paid last night. Why is there always one individual in front of me trying to open a trust fund at these things? Furthermore, why is there a sign on it reading "This ATM is equipped with audio assistance devices for the visually impaired"? That sign isn't in braille... this ranks right up there with braille on drive through ATMs.
4. The crew in our lovely halfateria was joyously playing M.C. Hammer's "Can't Touch This". Scary, man, scary.
5. Today's headline "OUR TSUNAMI!" (warning, PDF file). Pretty much. I wonder if any of the high and mighty countries around the world will render aid... or if we get to go this natural disaster alone.
6. Many advertisements announcing that the bloodsuckers will be at my office next Wednesday, Thursday (I think I'll give blood on the ole birthday) and Friday. Likewise, they're collaborating with 99.5 KISS FM, tomorrow for the annual "Kiss Rock and Roll Up Your Sleeve Blooddrive". If you're in the San Antonio area, you should look into it. The bloodsuckers make me pound my head against my desk when their number appears on the phone, but it is probably one of the best charitable donations one can make without spending a cent.
SQL> Select * From tblReallyBadMusic Where HasBeen = True;
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
...rescue me...
Denis Leary's show is on tonight. I'm a big fan, his... hmmm... anger... speaks to me. The show is more fun this season, as more and more of my friends have gotten hooked on it.
BUT, that's not what I'm really here for, this time around. Actually, I'd like to be rescued from the South Texas Blood and Tissue Center. A few months ago, I volunteered to donate platelets. You know, those things that make your blood clot, so you won't die a slow, painful death when you chop the tip of your thumb off making stir fry - yeah, I speak from experience ... and frequently ponder why no one will enjoy my delicious Asian offerings ... maybe it was the delightfully detailed story I shared with everyone of my experience and modern medicine's methods for cauterization, but, I digress. Right. Platelets.
My first donation went splendidly, if slightly uncomfortably (big needle, two hours, blood out, blood in... ok, I'll stop). It was kinda fun and watching a movie without any disturbances was swell. Alas, my next two attempts were not so cool.
During my second visit to the center, El Phlebotomist Muerte (I don't care if that's proper Spanish, I think it's funny) rammed the uber-needle into my spongy flesh (laughter here) and didn't notice it for, oh, sixty minutes! What did I get for my trouble? A fun purple puddle of blood under the skin ... in the medical profession they call this a "bruise". Me, I call it freakin' painful. Ever tried to drive a manual transmission with a bruise on your inner elbow?
After many an apology, I was given a bag full of cold and heat packs to "apply to the bruise to prevent swelling and discomfort". Hmmm... too late, pal.
Drive, stick, repeat for attempt number three.
Amid these trials and tribulations the blood and tissue center called me with unnerving frequency. A customer service representative (in the 'bidness', we call them CSR's, I shall do so here as well) kept inquiring when I'd be available again to donate. I inquired about creating a regular schedule for donations, hoping the calls would cease. Alas, the bloodsuckers (see how I worked that in? been waiting all day to do that) were relentless. I missed two appointments, one due to a late arrival at the airport, the other due to medications I'd taken. Now, they call me four times to remind me of each appointment.
Satisfied with my successful donation, last night, I ventured into work today with a clear head. Satisified that I'd done a good thing for the community at large.
But, lo, what is this? A voicemail from the bloodsuckers today, wanting to know when I'll be available again. Isn't that what the scheduled sessions were for? Jeez, for an organization that thrives on the charitable contributions of our time and body, they sure know how to discourage people.
Don't you worry, though, I'll keep donating. I shall endeavor, however, to encourage the bloodsuckers to be more forgiving of my schedule...
SQL> Select DonorName From tblBotchedDonations Where Satisfaction = 'All I got was this lousy compress";
BUT, that's not what I'm really here for, this time around. Actually, I'd like to be rescued from the South Texas Blood and Tissue Center. A few months ago, I volunteered to donate platelets. You know, those things that make your blood clot, so you won't die a slow, painful death when you chop the tip of your thumb off making stir fry - yeah, I speak from experience ... and frequently ponder why no one will enjoy my delicious Asian offerings ... maybe it was the delightfully detailed story I shared with everyone of my experience and modern medicine's methods for cauterization, but, I digress. Right. Platelets.
My first donation went splendidly, if slightly uncomfortably (big needle, two hours, blood out, blood in... ok, I'll stop). It was kinda fun and watching a movie without any disturbances was swell. Alas, my next two attempts were not so cool.
During my second visit to the center, El Phlebotomist Muerte (I don't care if that's proper Spanish, I think it's funny) rammed the uber-needle into my spongy flesh (laughter here) and didn't notice it for, oh, sixty minutes! What did I get for my trouble? A fun purple puddle of blood under the skin ... in the medical profession they call this a "bruise". Me, I call it freakin' painful. Ever tried to drive a manual transmission with a bruise on your inner elbow?
After many an apology, I was given a bag full of cold and heat packs to "apply to the bruise to prevent swelling and discomfort". Hmmm... too late, pal.
Drive, stick, repeat for attempt number three.
Amid these trials and tribulations the blood and tissue center called me with unnerving frequency. A customer service representative (in the 'bidness', we call them CSR's, I shall do so here as well) kept inquiring when I'd be available again to donate. I inquired about creating a regular schedule for donations, hoping the calls would cease. Alas, the bloodsuckers (see how I worked that in? been waiting all day to do that) were relentless. I missed two appointments, one due to a late arrival at the airport, the other due to medications I'd taken. Now, they call me four times to remind me of each appointment.
Satisfied with my successful donation, last night, I ventured into work today with a clear head. Satisified that I'd done a good thing for the community at large.
But, lo, what is this? A voicemail from the bloodsuckers today, wanting to know when I'll be available again. Isn't that what the scheduled sessions were for? Jeez, for an organization that thrives on the charitable contributions of our time and body, they sure know how to discourage people.
Don't you worry, though, I'll keep donating. I shall endeavor, however, to encourage the bloodsuckers to be more forgiving of my schedule...
SQL> Select DonorName From tblBotchedDonations Where Satisfaction = 'All I got was this lousy compress";
Thar Be Monsters...
:rose: Suggested "Thar Be Monsters..." as my blog title. I didn't like it much, but it seemed cool for my first entry. He (yes, :rose: is a dude) is getting married in March. Wonderful girl, but I think he's nuts. Of course, I have several pizza boxes stacked up in the kitchen. What do I know of relationships?
[RandomActOfCoincidence]
Funny, I just set this thing up and my buddy's asking me what it takes to set up a blog. What brought that up?
[SLASHRandomActOfCoincidence]
I've been reading BlondeChampagne's (I promise I'll relink her later when my brain isn't pudding and I can actually remember her addy) blog and thinking to myself "I'm glad I don't have an office I can lock myself out of." Of course, at the same time, I ponder the glorious utility of one's ability to lock users out of his office. That might be nice.
I think, though, the similarity I find most embarassing is discovering that I've locked myself out of my ADO recordsets.
This segue makes little sense... nevertheless...
My title... "why literary alchemy?" Well, I came up with the concept many moons ago, while I struggled through the prospect of writing a contract review summary. The Evil Former Employer (henceforth: EFE) was reviewing services rendered by another massive conglomerate, with little or no support from senior management. I was asked by a respected and trusted former manager to write up a summary of the review-team's findings. Stupid me, I accepted. In effect I was asked to convert the atrocities commited to paper, by the peers of said manager, into a legible manuscript.
As I vainly struggled to avoid the use of:
1. "secondarily"
2. "irregardless" (I don't care what modern dictionaries say)
3. "monthalize" (huh?!)
4. any of 1,000 other modern corporate buzz words
I was told that:
1. "strive" is not a word
2. modern corporate buzz words are far more effective than that clunky english language
3. I couldn't list the contract review on my accomplishments for the year, nor would it be considered in my appraisal
Gee, thanks.
[SLASHAppreciationForTheSalaryAndBenefitsOfCorporateAmerica]
Such was born "literary alchemist", an online persona struggling with language in the forms of:
1. his beloved english literature
2. pseudo-intelligent corporate double talk
3. his beloved programming languages
Hence, I will frequently post in the form of rational, inspired english. Likewise, I will post absolute garbage, which results from a dearth of inspiration. Sprinkled here and there with the ocassional use of progamming to demonstrate frustration with either users or my own work.
SQL> Select strExpletive From tbl_RandomCurses Where intCurseID = Rnd(Int((Max(intCurseID) - Min(intCurseID) + 1) * Rnd + Min(intCurseID))
[RandomActOfCoincidence]
Funny, I just set this thing up and my buddy's asking me what it takes to set up a blog. What brought that up?
[SLASHRandomActOfCoincidence]
I've been reading BlondeChampagne's (I promise I'll relink her later when my brain isn't pudding and I can actually remember her addy) blog and thinking to myself "I'm glad I don't have an office I can lock myself out of." Of course, at the same time, I ponder the glorious utility of one's ability to lock users out of his office. That might be nice.
I think, though, the similarity I find most embarassing is discovering that I've locked myself out of my ADO recordsets.
This segue makes little sense... nevertheless...
My title... "why literary alchemy?" Well, I came up with the concept many moons ago, while I struggled through the prospect of writing a contract review summary. The Evil Former Employer (henceforth: EFE) was reviewing services rendered by another massive conglomerate, with little or no support from senior management. I was asked by a respected and trusted former manager to write up a summary of the review-team's findings. Stupid me, I accepted. In effect I was asked to convert the atrocities commited to paper, by the peers of said manager, into a legible manuscript.
As I vainly struggled to avoid the use of:
1. "secondarily"
2. "irregardless" (I don't care what modern dictionaries say)
3. "monthalize" (huh?!)
4. any of 1,000 other modern corporate buzz words
I was told that:
1. "strive" is not a word
2. modern corporate buzz words are far more effective than that clunky english language
3. I couldn't list the contract review on my accomplishments for the year, nor would it be considered in my appraisal
Gee, thanks.
[SLASHAppreciationForTheSalaryAndBenefitsOfCorporateAmerica]
Such was born "literary alchemist", an online persona struggling with language in the forms of:
1. his beloved english literature
2. pseudo-intelligent corporate double talk
3. his beloved programming languages
Hence, I will frequently post in the form of rational, inspired english. Likewise, I will post absolute garbage, which results from a dearth of inspiration. Sprinkled here and there with the ocassional use of progamming to demonstrate frustration with either users or my own work.
SQL> Select strExpletive From tbl_RandomCurses Where intCurseID = Rnd(Int((Max(intCurseID) - Min(intCurseID) + 1) * Rnd + Min(intCurseID))
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